Chapter 1: Origin Of Engineering

The Big Boss voice kept his word and our team was given a 2 BHK accommodation in the passage between Heaven and Hell for one month to write this thesis.

“So, what do you think should be our first chapter?” asked Vidya.

I asked her, “Do you all know what the origin of engineering is? Aditya knows a bit about it; he was telling me about it. So, let’s start with something that we already know.”

“But how do we start the topic?” asked Veena.

“I will create some backdrop for this topic and then merge Aditya’s knowledge of the origin of engineering stream into it. Does everyone agree on that?” I asked and smiled at Vidya.

Everyone agreed. So, here we go!

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It was six months ago. I had gone to meet my could-have-been life partner through an arrange marriage proposal. She belonged to a well-to-do family. As the meeting started, her dad asked me what I did for a living. I said I was a writer and wrote books. He asked me the same question again; I replied the same. A little pissed off that he was, he asked me if I had any land or a palatial house in my native place. I denied and said that I had one top-secret document that no one else in the world had. Hearing this, my could-have-been wife and could-have-been-in-laws laughed so hard that they literally had tears in their eyes. They asked me if I was serious. I nodded in agreement and that made them laugh even harder! Needless to say, that girl is now someone else’s wife.

You might be wondering what that top-secret document is. My great great grandfather was one of the workers in the Mohenjodaro excavations. One day, while digging for new artefacts, he stumbled upon a document written in Sanskrit. He didn’t understand Sanskrit, but the kind of protection and cover that the document had made it look very precious. So he hid it at home. And ever since, we have this tradition in our family that every time the oldest member in our family dies, that document is passed on to the youngest in the family as a precious gift. Currently I am the youngest and the most educated person in our lineage and hence when this document was passed onto me after I graduated from electrical engineering, I felt as if I had found a genie in a bottle! All through my four years of electrical engineering, I kept wondering about the origin of engineering stream. This secret document was an eye-opener for me. So, what I am going to tell you is going to be a jaw-dropping experience for you! Here is an English translation of what I read in the document.

It all started with a bevy of beautiful apsaras enjoying their kitty party in heaven. All these six apsaras, namely, Swapnaja, Prajakta, Menaka, Maanyata, Unnati and Kashmira were drunk with their favorite mock tails, permutation and combination of bitter gourd juice, nectar, Pepsi, vodka and lemon juice.

They were giggling and talking about something of grave importance. This is what it was:

Swapnaja: Hey beautiful ladies, wassup? Did you check out the hot guy brought by our Yamraja! Oh, his triceps, biceps make me wanna go ooh lala! I so wanna date him!

Prajakta: You dirty Swaps! I too feel the same yaar! But you know what? I sometimes have a crush on our Yamraja too!

Menaka: (intercepting Prajakta) Are you kidding me, Praju? Yammu is my dream man! That black colour, the biceps, those big black eyes, those …

Kashmira: Stop, stop, stop, Menaka! Hahaha… I know where you are heading!

And then all the apsaras laughed their heart out.

Unnati: Hey ladies, let us plan to have a week-long trip to the beautiful meadows at the entrance of heaven. What say?

All of them, except Maanyata, responded with enthusiasm.

Swapnaja: Hey Maanyata, what happened? Why are you so upset? Any problem?

Maanyata (hesitantly): I am in love!

At this, the rest of apsaras screamed and started pinching Maanyata, just as friends of Bollywood heroines did in Hindi movies in the mid-80s.

I am in love with Chitragupta. I want to spend the rest of my life as his wife, helping him in his daily chores of writing the names of the dead people. I can act as his secretary. I can keep typing as he reads out the names of the to-be-in-heaven-or-hell members!

The others understood she was serious so began soothing her worries.

Kashmira: So, what’s stopping you from proposing him?

Maanyata: Surpanakha!

Unnati: Are you nuts, Maanyata? You think that ugly bitch can compete with you? No way dear! She is just like a tiny insect in Yamraja’s buffalo’s tail as compared to you!

Maanyata smiled in agreement.

Prajakta: So ladies, let’s decide on how to arrange a meeting between Maanyata and Chitragupta!

And then they all giggled, and began suggesting one lame idea after another as to how Maanyata should propose to Chitragupta. One of them even suggested that Maanyata act as if she was drowning in a nearby pond and then Chitragupta would dive into the pond to save her. She would also end up with mouth-to-mouth breathing by the end of it! This idea got the squeakiest of cheering from all fairies. I guess a mouth-to-mouth was the hottest thing in those days!

While all this was being planned, the doorkeeper of their room was secretly hearing all this. Little did the fairies know that the doorkeeper was a distant cousin of Surpanakha and all information shall be passed on to her!

          After the fairies’ kitty party was over, that doorkeeper met Surpanakha and told her about the plan that the fairies had hatched to make Chitragupta fall in love with Maanyata. The legend has it that Chitragupta and Surpanakha were in love for a long time. But one fateful day, Chitragupta made Surpanakha wait for half an hour as he wanted to update the database of people dead in a civil war in Western Europe. Surpanakha lost her temper and they broke up. Since that day, Surpanakha neither contacted Chitragupta nor did she like anyone getting close to Chitragupta. In short, Maanyata was in trouble.

Since Swapnaja was the most creative fairy in that group, Maanyata told her to write a love letter for her Chittu:

Dear Chittu,

Please accept this letter as a token of my love and appreciation for you. Can I spend the rest of my life as your wife and typist entering the names of dead people? Can we have a meeting tomorrow morning near the seventh pond near the entry to heaven?

Would be waiting to see you,

A beautiful fairy

I agree the letter looks more like a contemporary mail sent out by a job candidate trying to reach out to an HR manager/Delivery manager through LinkedIn! But still, fairies in those days used to control their emotions and write formally. The letter was tied to a pigeon’s legs and sent to Chittu. On reading it, Chittu, who was busy entering the names of a few dead people in the database, became so happy that he forgot to enter the name of one lady who has lived for generations. You must have seen her as “Baa” in one saas-bahu serial a few years ago. She is believed to have outlived even the turtles and the oldest of banyan trees!

Before making the final draft of the above letter, Swapnaja had read out the letter to all the fairies. The doorkeeper heard it and shared the plan with Surpanakha. Surpanakha, just like today’s mother-in-laws or elder sisters-in-laws, mumbled a few imaginary monologues cursing Chittu and those fairies. The doorkeeper understood that Surpanakha must have mouthed a deadly combination of the fairies’ close relatives and their vital organs!

Next morning Chittu reached the desired pond as per the plan. It was a beautiful and large pond. Beautiful swans and their little ones were swimming around. Swapnaja, Prajakta and Unnati were also swimming in their white saris. Chittu didn’t know who wrote him that love letter and assumed one of these three to be his lover! Chittu ogled at Unnati and started visualizing things that an ordinary teenager does. The positions, the places, the styles – of the show piece items that he would keep at his new home after marrying Unnati! She realised his gaze on her and gave him a stern look.

Chitragupta became embarrassed and hoped that she was the not the secret lover who sent him the letter. Just as he was about to leave for home, Maanyata sensed that things were not going according to the plan and hence made a hasty decision of diving into the pond. She jumped and started shouting, “save me, save me…!” Chitragupta had won several prizes in swimming and athletics in heaven and hence dove into the pond instantly to save Maanyata. She kept flapping her hands and legs violently as if she didn’t know how to swim. Chitragupta grabbed Maanyata by her hair and brought her to the bank of the pond. Maanyata acted as if she was short of breath and this gave Chitragupta an awesome chance to have a mouth-to-mouth with a fairy! The last time he did that was on Surpanakha and that too when she forced herself upon him! Both Chitragupta and Maanyata were having an amazing time; the other fairies started giggling on seeing their best friend have a heaven of a time!

Surpanakha, who was aware of this plan, reached at this very moment and shouted “Dafaq?” (Ah, yes! Surpanakha was convent educated and used to curse in an upwardly style.) Chitragupta recognized the voice instantly as this was the phrase that Surpanakha had used only three times in their relationship! The three instances were:

1)     The very first time when Chittu touched her sensuously on her lips and then kissed! It was their first kiss ever! Here, “Dafaq” was used to express pleasure.

2)      When Surpanakha realized that Chittu was eight years younger to her. Here, “Dafaq” was used to express her happiness on realizing that she still had the charm to seduce young boys!

3)     When Chittu didn’t know the name of the pet alligator of her best friend’s cousin’s fiancée’s neighbour. Here, “Dafaq” was used in anger because Surpanakha was very particular about Chittu being attentive to every detail of their conversation!

Coming back to the Chitragupta-being-stunned scene – even though Maanyata was surprised to see Surpanakha there with Chittu and herself in an awkward position, she couldn’t stop smiling at her luck and wondered what would happen next. Surpanakha threw on Chittu the choicest of words – a hundred times worse than “Dafaq”. Chittu had never seen her so angry and said meekly, “you don’t have any right to say this to me, Sups. I mean, Supa. I mean Surpanakha!” The legend also has it that after their breakup, Surpanakha had started seeing an American guy. Hence her English had improved even further and she spoke English so fast that Chittu and the fairies couldn’t understand half of what she said!

Maanyata stood up and defended her love by challenging Surpanakha for a cat fight! Surpanakha readily agreed for she knew that she could beat Maanyata by her sheer size and looks. Just as she was approaching Maanyata, the other fairies gathered around Maanyata, showing their togetherness and conveyed the message “you can’t beat us you fat, ugly bitch!”

Surpanakha felt a little intimidated. Sensing her retreat, Unnati gave her a nice showdown of words. Surpanakha accepted defeat for the time being and went to her palace to hatch a plan to kill Maanyata.

She spent long hours in her room devising an ugly plan to decimate Maanyata. She scratched her head till white flakes and blood started surfacing on her scalp. White flakes – because she had dandruff and blood – because of the killed lice. Yes, it is so eeeew!

Eight days passed by in such confusion and planning.

Surpanakha finally came up with a hideous plan. She anonymously announced that a “Year Glamour Calendar” was to be made and the top twelve beauties from hell and heaven will be chosen as the “Lady of the Month” to feature on that calendar. The word about this contest spread in heaven and as she expected, those six fairies got excited, too. But unfortunately, only Maanyata decided to enter the competition. Kashmira was too traditional to wear a bikini, and Prajakta was going to get engaged and she didn’t want to create a bad image in front of her would-be-in-laws. Similarly, the others had their reasons and did not enter.

Surpanakha asked her event manager to create an artificial waterfall for the water to fall on the curvaceous bodies of these models to get better and more sensuous pictures. This event was to be telecast live to anyone and everyone in heaven and hell. The only rule for the event was that no nudity was allowed. The models could use their creativity to expose whatever they wanted to, but in a sensible and morally correct way. The six fairies sat down to design the costume for Maanyata. They first made Maayata wear a sari. Then they started trimming out whatever portion they thought was okay to expose to both the worlds. After an hour and a half, Maanyata looked such a sizzling hottie that Unnati said “If I were a guy, I would marry you right away!” Maanyata blushed imagining what would be Chitragupta’s reaction when he saw her on the day of the event!

The D-day finally arrived. By afternoon, around 124 models flaunted their sexy bodies under the beautiful artificial waterfalls. They then swam across the pond created because of the continuous flow of water and did a catwalk to the exit. Many models felt that there was something fishy when they swam across the pond, but no one complained or paid too much attention to it. Now it was Maanyata’s turn. Just as she came under the waterfalls, the crowd went berserk! Everyone was screaming like never before because this was the first time they had seen a bikini-clad fairy under a waterfall! Chitragupta, who had come to watch this event with his cousin Vichitragupta and Vichitragupta’s son Chotagupta, was a little embarrassed to see the love of his life being applauded for beauty in public! Needless to say, he was imagining things that made him happy! Maanyata who was enjoying the waterfall brushed her hair aside and looked at Chitragupta standing about forty feet from the waterfall and winked. Vichitragupta, standing beside Chitragupta, thought Maanyata was sending love signals to him! Maanyata soon started swimming across the pond to reach the exit. Just as she reached the middle, an eagle flew over the pond and dropped a huge fish into it. People could see electric current being generated in the water as the fish touched the surface. What nobody knew was that the previous night, Surpanakha infested the pond with her pet animals – eels. They were known to generate current from their tails when frightened. As the fish fell with a thud, the eels did just that! They generated so much current in the small pond that Maanyata got electrocuted! Chitragupta didn’t know what to do. Vichitragupta, who thought that this was the opportune time to save and impress her, jumped into the pond to save Maanyata. But that poor guy also got the shock of his life! People present at the event thought that Maanyata and her lover Vichitragupta committed suicide because their parents were against their marriage. Soon the news spread in heaven and hell that love birds – Maanyata and Vichitragupta gave their life to be together forever!

Thus, Surpanakha had used all the basics of civil, electrical and mechanical engineering to kill Maanyta. Ever since, Surpanakha has been known to all her friends and foes as “tantragyaan vaapram bhaksham Mohini”. In simple words, “The lady who uses the principles of engineering to entice and kill her prey!”

And that makes Surpanakha, the Mother of Engineering!