Character 3 A Heart-Broken Lover Boy

Character 3

A Heart-Broken Lover Boy

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Right now I am sitting on the promenade of Worli-Sea face in Mumbai. My laptop bag is on my left. In the smallest compartment of the bag, there is a small bar of Cadbury that Neha had given me on our 3^rd meeting. On my right are my shoes and socks. I like to have my naked feet dangling against the promenade. Songs are continuously playing on my IPOD. But strangely enough, I am not able to register the wordings and the meaning of the songs. It’s only the tune that my brain is able to register. I am staring at the incessant waves of the sea. I am trying to find out the depth of life. I am trying to analyze the human nature. I am trying to find out what do girls want in life. I am trying to find out what my mistake was and what wrong did I do by trying to make her happy. Is trying to make someone happy a crime?

It all started with a wrong number. After getting very good marks in 12^th grade, I was about to attend the first day of my college – Podar college. I didn’t have any friends there. Being an introvert, I didn’t talk to many of my peers. I had a chat with just 2 or 3 guys. One of them was Sanjay Chaudhari. We exchanged mobile numbers. When Sanjay was giving me his mobile number, we were in the canteen and there was a lot of noise in the background. Next morning, I called up on the number that I had saved as “Sanjay Chaudhari”. A sweet female voice answered my call “ya, hello….who is this?” I was stunned for a moment. Then I thought that Sanjay must have been busy with something and so his sister must have picked up the phone. I continued “hi, I am Rajeev. Can I talk to Sanjay?” She replied “NO”.  Now, I began to lose my temper. I mean, how any girl can say ‘NO’ when I wanted to talk a friend. I continued “I am Sanjay’s friend from Podar college”. She hung up the phone by saying “Wrong number”! I SMSed that number back – “Sorry. I didn’t realize that it was not Sanjay’s number. Accept my apologies.”

Three hrs later she SMSed back “Sorry for the delay in replying. Apologies accepted.”.

I SMSed back “Please don’t be sorry. To err is human. And you erred by replying after 3 hrs. This shows that u r a human!”.

Two hrs later my mobile flashed an SMS – “You also erred by dialing a wrong number. So this proves that you are a human being too!”

I replied - “Good to know that we both are humans. Btw, this human being’s name is Rajeev. And yours?”

Somehow, somewhere in the bottom of my heart, I felt nice to get her replies. I started sending her “good night” SMSes or Pakau Jokes, etc. to make her smile. The same happened from her side too.

10 days passed by. I SMSed her “btw, I tried guessing a lot. But now I am tired of guessing ur name. Would u mind telling me ur name, Ms. Human being?”

I got an SMS from her-“Btw this human being’s name is Neha. What do you do? I study in Podar College… am currently in SY Bcom.”

Gosh! I had been SMSing my senior!!!

Next day, we fixed an appointment and met in the canteen. She wore a nice, green coloured kurti with denim jeans and sports shoes. Man oh man! Did she look like a 21^st century fairy! Her beautiful face was adorned by a red bindi. Her face was so attractive that I couldn’t see anything else, I mean, anyone else in the canteen. I guess my mouth was wide open when I met her. Her face was so stolid that I guess she was expecting Shahrukh Khan and instead she was confronted by a short, fat, dark spot-boy!

We shook hands and talked for ten minutes. She had to go for a lecture. I couldn’t take her mental image off my eyes the whole day. I mean, I had never thought that I was SMSing such a beautiful girl! I thanked my stars. My family-astrologer had once predicted that I would marry a beautiful girl and that too a non-maharashtrian. By the way, I am a Marathi Brahmin and Neha is Gujurati.

We both used to love exchanging SMSes. She used to SMS me “love is like moon. But friends are like stars. Have you ever seen a sky look beautiful without the stars?” and I used to SMS back “in Mumbai, you can never see the stars because of pollution. So, it is only the moon that you see!”

We used to meet on weekends. We used to go for movies and have dinner together. We enjoyed each other’s company. I used to like teasing her about her feelings for her distant cousin. I used to make her laugh by cracking damn silly jokes. I used to read out PJs to make her smile. When she used to smile, I felt like I WAS HAPPY. It was as if making her happy was on the top of my TO-DO list in life! Every night I used to expect an SMS from her and needless to say I used to send her SMSes like doses of medicine – in the morning, in the afternoon and at night!

As you must have guessed, I was having feelings for her. I used to keep smiling all the time. I was happy all the time. Whenever any friend asked me about my constant happiness, I used to attribute the happiness to being a part of the most prestigious college in Mumbai. I didn’t know what Neha was feeling about me. But I was in love for the first time in my life. So this was a very different and sweet experience for me. I was relishing every moment of my life. Every damn SMS from Neha was like a booster for me. I used to get charged up whenever my mobile flashed “SMS from Neha”! After my first semester, I gathered courage and mailed Neha my feelings. I sent her an email filled with my feelings and emotions. It took me one whole night to pen down my feelings. And somehow, somewhere deep down in my heart, I felt that the reply would be positive.

I checked my mail box in the evening. For 20 minutes, I kept staring at that mail. I was confounded after seeing the reply from Neha. That day I realized “appearances are often deceptive”. What you feel is not what you get. What you see is not what you get. The email read - “Rajeev, I don’t want to make this mail very senti. See, I like someone else. His name is Shantanu. You are just a normal good friend for me. And on top of it, you are my junior. You have a long way to stand on your own feet. I am a very practical girl. I don’t see a future in you. I kept replying to ur SMSes and kept meeting you because I didn’t want to hurt you. Please forget me. I love Shantanu and maybe I will marry him after 3-4 years. You’re a sweet guy. You will get a nice girl. Bye. Take care. Be in touch only as a friend.”

I closed the mail box, but didn’t delete that mail. Tears filled my eyes. Luckily, there was no one at home. I cried my eyes out to relieve all the sadness off my heart. I was feeling choked. I was not able to digest the rejection. I was not able to understand why I was rejected! I stared at the window. I didn’t know what to do. It was the biggest shock of my life. I mean, I liked her so much. I tried my best to make her happy. I come from a well-to-do family. I am very good in academics. I am good-looking. And the most important thing of all – I like making and seeing her happy. What else does a girl want in life? I was speechless that day. I saw the birds chirping out of the window. I saw the sun go down. I saw the small and sweet kids playing in the park. But, nothing made me happy at that moment. That night, I hated Neha like anything! I couldn’t digest the fact that I was rebuffed by her. That night I realized how it feels to go into a depression. I felt low in life. I doubted my own capabilities. I started de-valuing myself.

I recollected the days when I was in 9^th grade and a girl named Varsha used to like me a lot. She had a big crush on me. I could easily sense it. After every lecture she used to keep asking about the next lecture! I mean, didn’t she have the lesson diary or what? Of course she had it with her. But, she wanted to find ways to talk to me. In the Drawing lecture, she used to keep asking for rubber and sharpener every now and then. Initially I liked getting attention from Varsha. But somehow, when she started giving me more attention and started caring more for me, I got bugged! I lost respect for her. I started avoiding her. I used to feel irritated when she used to ask me about “next lecture” or “homework book” or “rubber and sharpener”. Once, in the drawing lecture, she asked me for a rubber. I gave her rubber. She gave it back to me after using it. Again, she asked for rubber. Now, I lost my temper and shouted at her “keep this rubber with you forever and please tell your dad to get you a new rubber and sharpner and pencil and what not…! Don’t irritate me every now and then. And, can’t you check the lesson diary to find out what the next lecture is? Am I your chalta-firta time-table or what!” Needless to say, she cried in front of the whole class. I didn’t feel bad at all because somehow I felt that I was right in rejecting a person that I didn’t like.

Three days after that incident, Varsha wrote me a letter. It read - “hi Rajeev, sorry for all the times that I have frustrated you. Now I will never irritate you. God promise. But, just make sure that you understand the feelings of a girl or a human being in general. Since I liked you so much, I would keep praying to God that you don’t face such a bad rejection in life. However macho you are, you will cry on the day you get rejected by a girl. Take care.” I threw that letter in the dustbin. Varsha hasn’t talked to me since that day.

The rejection that I faced made me realize what pain Varsha must have gone through that day. I couldn’t control my tears. I still cannot forget the day when I made Varsha cry. I somehow realized the fact that even when you have 100 people loving you, when you don’t get love from the person that you want to be loved by, you will remain in deep pain. That pain is what Varsha felt that day and I was feeling it now. I sincerely feel bad for Varsha today. In fact, half of the tears in my eyes at this moment are because of my remorse for my bad behavior with Varsha. If she meets me someday, somewhere, I will surely apologize to her for my rude behavior. Next morning, I SMSed Neha – “I want to meet you”. She replied “Ok. 5.00 P.M. at Worli-Sea face”. In fact, Worli-Sea face was the place where she and I had gone out on a long stroll for the first time.

We met at the appointed time. As usual, she was stolid. No expression of regrets. No compunctions. I wondered whether she had a heart! I greeted her and we walked on the promenade. Neither of us spoke for 10 minutes and then I blurted out “lemme come to the main topic. I felt that everything was going smoothly. What happened all of a sudden? Why didn’t you tell me that you are having an affair with Shantanu?”

She replied “See, Rajeev, Shantanu is not my BF. He is just a friend as of now. I like him a lot. It’s just that I won’t be able to like you the way I like Shantanu. He is very different. I will try my best to convince him that I am the best for him. I try my best to make him happy and even he tries to make me happy. He is a very talented guy. He studies in VJTI. He is amongst the toppers in his class. He is …”

I cut her short. “Ok…. Fine….that is enough information for me to judge that he is far more superior to me.” I didn’t want to pursue that chapter further. So, I asked her if she wanted to leave. She nodded. Just when she was about to leave, I told her that I would rather sit on the promenade for some more time and that she could leave if she was getting late. Actually I wanted to be left alone. I was feeling mixed emotions at that time. I was angry at her for double-timing me. But, somehow, somewhere deep down in my heart, I was so happy that she came to meet me and clear out the things. Otherwise, she could have abruptly rejected my feelings and not cared to explain me the things. But then, she cared to dissect the whole situation.  I swear by god, I now have immense respect for her. Of course, she is now just a normal friend for me. The sweetest thing about her was that she didn’t want me to be alone, sitting on the promenade at Worli-Sea face. So, she said that she wanted to eat something and then we parted after having dinner. Parted, only to be in touch as good friends. And yes, I am happy to have a sincerely sweet friend like her. I wish she gets a nice life partner that she deserves.

While travelling back home, I was sitting on the window seat in the train. I had my bag on my lap. This was the first time in last two years that I wasn’t listening songs on my IPOD. I was just feeling the cold breeze and staring at the stations, people, trees, buildings, and almost anything that came in front of my eyes. I could feel the gravity of earth acting heavily on me. All I was thinking was about life, love, humanity, respect, love, life, love, life…

By the way, while sitting in the train, I started making a mental note of all the things that I didn’t like about her. That was the first time that I consciously thought of what I didn’t like about Neha. The way she snorted while laughing, the way she behaved in front of my friends, the way she rejected all my views on new movies, the times when she used to make me wait for hours and not even be sorry for being late… Also, I made a list of things that were not common between us. For example, she was crazy about US and Europe, but I am very pro-India... She didn’t like Paneer, Rasgulla… but I can’t live without either of those. She is a hardcore nonveggie, but I am totally averse to non-veg. My mom would never ever allow a girl like Neha enter my home! I know that these excuses are very flimsy as compared to the larger scheme of life. But then, I had to convince, rather fool myself, that she was not the right person for me!

Sometimes, we take “being happy” for granted! Seriously, I keep cracking jokes the whole day. I keep laughing the whole day. But I had never realized that I should consider myself lucky that I am happy the whole day. I mean, it’s like, you don’t feel or value the significance of being happy throughout the day. Depression makes you realize the importance of being happy.

There are many more things that depression teaches you:

1. Human nature.
2. If you love or like someone, that doesn’t guarantee you that you would be loved or liked back.
3. You start accepting things that you never thought you would accept easily. I mean, if a person doesn’t like you, then you can’t force that person to like you either!
4. You start realizing the importance of the people who love you. You start valuing the affection or love that your loved ones shower on you.
5. You start believing in the phrase “Being happy is not the only thing in life”!
6. You start valuing old songs...you give more importance to the meaning of the songs than the jazzy music surrounding the words…
7. You realize that “One way relationships never work.”
8. You accept the fact that “you should care for those who care for you. Caring for those who don’t care for you is not going to help the either of you”!
9. Even if you don’t want to, you would be forced to believe in “Everything happens for the best”.
10. Love is not as simple and straightforward as mathematics! As a normal human being, we always keep searching for the love that evades us. We always keep being restless for things that we don’t have. It is never too late to take stock of what we have in life and be happy with that rather than running after a mirage!
11. Love is the biggest illusion in life. It makes you forget the reality that you do have something called as “self-respect”. You keep suppressing your self-respect for the person you love and keep thinking of a positive end where you and the person you love get married to each other. Whenever he/she doesn’t answer your call, you keep telling yourself “He/she must be busy with his/her work or studies….He/she must have kept his/her phone on silent mode and that’s why he/she didn’t realize that you had called up...” Whenever he/she doesn’t reply to your SMS, you keep fooling yourself by saying “How one can reply if one is sleeping…? He/she must have not read my message because of some reason…” The worst thing about being in love is that we like to be disillusioned all the time. We don’t feel like coming out of the world of illusion…because, we know that reality is always harsh to accept.
12. Never love a person so much that he or she takes your love for granted and then loses respect for you! (this is the most basic mistake that human beings do... not controlling your feelings...and losing your self-respect because you are so much in love.)

All in all, depression, to a certain extent, calms you down and tells you to value your loved ones and little things that bring happiness! That’s why, I say, get into depression sometime in life!

I will sit at the promenade for some more time. I am waiting for some urchin to pass by. I want to give her that Cadbury that Neha had once given me when we met for the 3^rd time. After I give away that Cadbury, I don’t think I will ever think about Neha again.

There is one very beautiful line that Tom Hanks had said in the movie – Forrest Gump- Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you are gonna get! I will wait for the day when God gives me the chocolate destined to be a part of my life! Till then, the cool breeze at Worli-Sea face is what I will enjoy…!