Chapter 8: Vivas

Ever since the mention of vivas in the previous chapters, Chitragupta looked unsettled and wanted to know more about their origin and other stuff related to it. Since we had busted myths, we all thought it was only appropriate to know about vivas. So, here we go!

---------------------------------

According to one study undertaken by a scientist in Mongolia, most engineering students abruptly wake up in the middle of night a month before their semester exams, with beads of sweat rushing down their faces. The looks also are similar to those sported by an eighty-year-old granny in some remote village in Haryana who is given an iPad to play Angry Birds on!

The parents, of course, get scared and ask them, “What happened beta? Are you okay?” The standard answers are as follows:

1)     Ohhhh…I had a bad dream that I didn’t clear Mechanics 1 even on the 3^rd attempt!

2)     Shucks man! I dreamt that even after standing for four hours in the Engineering Drawing exam, my sheet was as clear as the water in Australian beaches!

3)     I dreamt that just a week before submissions, all Xerox machines around the college were sent to service centre for repairs! More about the origin of submissions in a later chapter.

4)     #$%^ man! I dreamt that I was in the middle of a viva on “Electrical Machines” and when the external examiner asked me “how does a motor start?” I just stared at her and then looked at the internal examiner and uttered “Grrrr…”. The last scene I remember was the peon throwing me out of the electrical lab!

This chapter is dedicated to the fourth response.

Except a few subjects that most engineers in the making manage to earn a KT in, viva is the most dreaded word in an engineer’s life. Before we get into what happens in a viva, let me tell you about their origin.

Till the late 1960s, there were no vivas at all. There used to be written tests and that’s about it! Not even submissions! During the late 1970s, movies like Zanjeer, Kaalia, etc., hit the market and then emerged rebels of the education system. They wore bell-bottom pants, sported long hair and kept belching out dialogues like, “ye tumhare baap ka ghar nahi hai…hain” whenever someone sat in front of them without their permission.

One fine day, Ramesh – an ardent fan of the movie Zanjeer and a student of third year engineering – was asked by his teacher, “Ramesh, why didn’t you attend yesterday’s lecture?”

Even before Ramesh could answer, Ramesh’s best friend Suresh got up and said, “Jao, pehle us admi ka sign leke ao, jisne iske haath pe ye “jolly” banaya hai.” (Jolly is a game where you are supposed to make a small dark circle of black or blue ink on your palm, failing which you need to give the other person a treat).

Mrs. Sheela Asparagus – I know that “Asparagus” is the name of a plant; but Mrs. Sheela Kulkarni chose to marry the last British national in India and hence turned into Mrs. Sheela Donald Asparagus) – lost her temper and asked both of them their marks in the last semester. Ramesh and Suresh looked at each other, giggled and didn’t care to reply. This infuriated Mrs. Sheela further; she vowed to never let the parents of these two fellows enjoy the happiness of saying “mera beta engineer hai!”

Mrs. Sheela went home and told her British national husband about all the insult that was heaped on her that day. She cried and cried for hours. Mr. Asparagus spoke in broken Hindi “Kya hue Sheele. Say something. What do you want me to do?” Sheela was in such shock that she couldn’t say a thing. Her husband looked into her eyes and said, “Voila! Let’s ask the principal of your college to introduce some Very Insulting Very Abashing procedure – VIVA in short”. That way you cannot let them pass and take revenge for all the insults. Mrs. Sheela smiled wickedly.

The next day, Mr. Asparagus met the principal of the college and convinced him to introduce the concept of “VIVA” to judge the actual knowledge of the engineers and to screw up the over-smart ones! Needless to say, Mrs. Sheela screwed the duo in the viva for years together and till this very day, Ramesh’s and Suresh’s parents have not been able to find brides for their sons. According to very recent reports from a famous Hindi news channel, Ramesh and Suresh were found doing weird acts such as riding wooden horses in the middle of busy roads, stealing pant-pieces from random showrooms and getting underwears made out of those pant-pieces! God bless the duo!

After that heart-wrenching story of the origin of a viva, let’s see what actually happens in a viva. But first of all, if your surname begins with the letters A or B, then rush to your dad and give him a tight hug! He won’t realise what happened but he did a big favour by being born and bringing you into this particular family. The reason why you should be happy is: the viva would begin in alphabetical order and you shall be among the first few to appear. You guys will almost never fail in vivas as the external and internal examiners would still be warming up for the actual grilling!

I can‘t stop thanking my stars for being born in a family whose surname starts with the letter “A”. A few advantages of your surname starting with “A”:

1.      Getting grilled only by one set of professors: Most times, the external professors end up coming late. So the college professors lose their patience and decide to start the viva without them. So, the lucky ones at the top of the list get grilled by the college professors alone.

2.     Warming up: Any damn sport or fight requires the participants to do a small warm up session. Isn‘t it? The same is applicable to viva sessions, too. Vivas are a kind of fight between you (read poor, timid, ignorant, innocent kids) and the professors. By the time professors start getting adrenaline rush out of asking very difficult questions, the first five to eight students are already out of the competition.

3.     A chance to be the centre of attraction: Those who manage to be at the top of this grilling list manage to earn much attention from the remaining students. So, it also gives one a chance to be an altruistic person.

Vivas are like Karate sessions where you try to dodge the questions from the professors by using expressions like hmm, actually, I feel, etc. One should say a few words related to that subject so that the professor comes to know that you do know which viva you have come for! Some say that vivas are a test of your knowledge. I disagree. Vivas are a test of your convincing skills and acting skills. The moment you enter the cabin where the viva is being conducted, put on a face which should scream out loud, “Sir, I am sorry sir, please sir, I know everything related to this subject. But sir, since childhood, I have had this problem of not being able to perform under pressure sir. Please ask me easy questions, I assure you that after this viva is over, I will go home and read and understand what this subject is all about. Please, sir, I am just a poor kid.” It might just work.

After you enter the cabin, wish all the professors individually. If there are three professors – two males and one female – then say good morning ma‘am; good morning, sir; good morning, sir. Please concentrate on the order of wishing. Females are supposed to be more kind human beings than males. So, even if you don‘t answer any damn question, that female professor will make sure that she compensates your ‘wishing-her-first’ gesture with passing marks! Don‘t sit straight. Slouch a little bit as if you are not feeling well today. Be a little diffident. Don‘t portray yourself as the ‘know-all’ type who can answer any question related to that subject. It‘s better to look ignorant and innocent than look arrogant and get screwed badly! Professors hate arrogant students.

The next step should be to not look into the eyes of the professors. Let there be silence in the cabin for two-three minutes. The professors would then get bored and ask you the most basic question on earth. Answer the basics confidently, and let them feel that you are interested in having a conversation only if the rest of the questions are going to be that easy. But, let‘s face it! Unfortunately, you won’t be too lucky all the time.

Now fasten your seat-belts. The next question in the viva is surely going to be on your subject. Now, it‘s time to show your acting skills. If you know the answer to the question they ask, then just throw the answer on the face of the professor and you can be sure that you won‘t fail in the viva because your start was good. If you don‘t know the answer, then don‘t make eye contact with any of the professors. Use phrases earlier highlighted and act smart. Break your sentence and put in lots of ‘hmms’, ‘umms’ and ‘aahs’ along with sirring and ma’aming them. I am dead sure that the professor would gauge that you don‘t know the answer and will move on to the next question. But before the new question is about to begin, make sure that you stop doing hmm, because then the professors would think that you are mentally retarded! Even God can‘t help you in that case.

See, it is simple – Indian industries need good and knowledgeable engineers. The professors would keep feeling guilty for the rest of their lives if they let pass a student who does ‘hmm’ even before a question is asked! It’s a moral obligation on the part of the professors; understand that!

Now, coming back to the acting part – after your display of lack of knowledge of the answer to the first question, you will be asked a simpler question such as “what is the relation between flux and voltage?” or “what happens when I decrease the current and increase the flux?” Being the future leaders of the electrical industry, you are supposed to know such simple things before you come out of the cozy world of engineering. Again, let‘s assume you are a dumbo and you can‘t answer even that question. Now, it‘s time to show (read show-off) your confidence. Say something or anything, but with confidence.

The examiners will get flabbergasted to see the sudden surge of confidence run through your body that made you ultra-confident just in a fraction of a second. Just a minute ago, you were like a mentally retarded cow lazying around on a busy street and now you are like a cat ready to pounce on a fat rat! Allow the professor to digest this surprise and wait for them to adjudge whether your answer was right or wrong. Let me tell you, after having given so many vivas till date, I can assure you one thing – you will win in both cases. Surprised? Let me explain how. If your answer is right, then no need of further analysis, the profs will be happy. But, if your answer is wrong, then the profs will think of you as a future Sales Manager of a big company. As you all know, sales manager is a person who will promise you a Taj-Mahal at the start of a project and end up giving you a one room-kitchen apartment in a SRA (slum rehabilitation authority) colony. The key quality in a sales person is confidence. The profs will see that confidence in you and wish you, mentally, the very best for your position as a Sales Manager in a big company. So, you see, you are in a win-win situation.

Till now, you have answered one question right and one question wrong. You can be sure that you are going to pass the viva. The third question is going to be a decider whether you remain on the boundary line (12 marks out of the stipulated maximum of 25) or reach till 17 or 18 marks. After the profs ask you the third question, be silent for around thirty seconds. But make sure that you move your fingers in the air to create a mental diagram of some circuit. Then say something. Let the prof disagree. Now use the sure-shot formula – “If you can‘t convince them, confuse them!” Puke out all the formulae or theories related to that topic and create a khichdi out of it! If your profs are normal human beings, then they will understand that it is time for you to leave the cabin and let their minds be screwed by the next loser! While coming out of the cabin, be sure to thank all the professors individually. Again concentrate on the order ― thank you, ma‘am; thank you, sir; thank you, sir. That‘s how it should be! Don‘t forget, females are supposed to be more kind human beings than males.