Chapter 31
Sneha rejected
my feelings. She took my feelings in her hands, crumpled them and made them
into a ball and then threw them into a gutter. I have never seen anyone so
rudely give such an indifferent reply to as sweet a letter as the one that I
had written. She didn’t even have the courtesy to write a subject for the email
she sent. I just can’t believe that! This is what she wrote back in the mail:
“Hi. Read your
letter. Thanks for the chocolate walnut pastry that day. I am thankful to you
for all the time spent in office explaining your system and verifying whatever
deliverable we gave. I am sure that there is someone better than me who is
waiting for you. I don’t think I deserve you. All the best for everything.”
“I don’t think
I deserve you,” she writes. Can anyone explain to her how much she means to me?
And to top all this she doesn’t even write a “bye” in the end. No regards, no
bye. Nothing! Is it possible to be so heartless?
I think that
now that my heart is broken, I too will write a love story and dedicate the
book to the first real love of my life – Sneha. The world deserves to hear my
story. The world needs to know how much I love her. Sneha needs to know what I
could have done for her. She needs to know what she missed.
Now when I need
some emotional support and guidance in love, my best friend Hitesh is not at
home. I called up at his home, but aunty
said that he
has some business related work and hence is not going to be reachable for a few
weeks. I wonder what he is doing for weeks not being in touch.
In the meantime I will mail Abhishek Agarwal sir and seek his
guidance now that I have decided to embark on the journey of becoming an author
like him.
Duniya walo, meri kahani
tum tak ayegi. Zaroor ayegi.
Sneha’s Diary
Hi Gerogie. There is lots to share with you dear. Lots!
Firstly about
that Saahil. He behaved exactly as I had thought. I had told my best friend
from school, Radhika, about this guy and I had told her that he would propose
to me within 6 months of meeting up. And he did! How desperate these guys can
be! Such guys lack ‘class’ which is what girls like me are looking for. The
more anyone will run after me, the more I will not respect him. Isn’t it that
simple? Poor Saahil. Don’t want to waste more time on him.
Secondly about
Jenifer. I knew that she was a total flirt, but I did not know that she was
having orgy sessions at her apartment! It seems that last fortnight she was
having a good time with guys and girls at her apartment and then the police
came in the morning and arrested them and then they were in the lock up for
more than 3 days. That’s when she called me up and asked for help. I had once
told her about the strong clout my father has. Now that she was in a bad
situation, I requested my dad to do his best. He made a few phone calls and got
Jenifer and her friends out of jail. Some police case is still pending. But
that she will have to handle herself. Who told her to do such things in a
society?! I am a virgin here who is still waiting for the charming prince and
there she is busy getting fucked by every damn frog. Let her repent for her
wrongdoings.
Thirdly about
Vandu. She had called up last week and she was so overjoyed with her life
companion. I am very happy for her and wish that I too get a guy like my Jiju.
Hmmm. Should I think about opening the Aryan card? I will have to think. I am
beautiful, educated, work in a good company at a good post. I surely deserve a
guy like him. But the million dollar question is ‘does he deserve me?’ Only
time will tell.
Fourthly about the work in office. I am drowned in my office work up
to my nose! I had thought that after completing the bank project, I will get
some rest. But these corporate blood suckers don’t want to see me live in
peace.
The only good thing is that Saahil has given me Rahul’s contact
details.
I will contact him soon.
Bye. Dead tired.
Rahul’s Diary
Last to last
week my bro was complaining of back pain and hence I had taken him to a general
practitioner. It was then that my brother told me the truth. He didn’t have
back pain. He had pain in his anus. I then had to take him to a specialist who
told us that his pain was because of forceful entry of something hard into his
anus. Nikhil has a very hazy recollection of someone touching and caressing his
butt when he had first felt the pain that night at Jenifer’s apartment.
I surely
wouldn’t do such a thing to my brother. And those 3 girls couldn’t do anything
of that sort. The only possible guy who could be responsible for this action
would be that handsome guy. I will kill him if he is the one who fucked my
brother.
By the way, police investigation related to those teddy bears is
almost done. Jenifer’s ex-boyfriend who had gifted her those 5 teddy bears is
still obsessed with her and couldn’t resist following her daily life. That
bastard is currently running from the police. Sooner or later he will be found
and then I will take my revenge.
Dear diary, I
am devastated. Totally totally totally devastated. I can’t share this with
anyone but I want to tell you this because I want to get it off my chest. It
turns out that that handsome guy that night is a bisexual and he fucked my
brother. Not only that, he had fucked me too. But I didn’t feel the pain.
My brother was in pain because he had never been penetrated by
anyone. Whatever happened that night was the first time for him.
Not for me.
Yes. I have
gathered enough courage to share this with you dear diary. And I am not ashamed
to tell you that I had had such sexual encounters years ago. But when my
friends came to know about it, they started making fun of me. They taunted me
no end. That was the one of the reasons why I shifted my base from Delhi to
Mumbai, a city where no one knew me. It was kind of a fresh start for me. My
father had totally disowned me when I told him that I was gay. At first he and
my mother thought that I was kidding. But then I told them that I liked men
more than women. I was beaten black and blue by my father. My mother tried to
stop him from almost killing me. My mother cried for days blaming herself for
not giving birth to a ‘proper’ boy.
I explained to
her that it was not her fault at all. I knew another friend who was gay too but
he didn’t have the courage to disclose it to the
world. When I
tried giving his example, my mom called his mom and tried to confirm if this
was true. Then Chaddha aunty confronted her son, but he didn’t admit that he
was gay. I was in deeper shit. The gossip queen Chaddha aunty then spread the
news in her circle and made mine and my mom’s life more miserable. That gay
friend of mine is now married to a girl and has 2 kids but also continues to
have extra marital affairs with many guys. His wife feels that he is just
boozing and having a good time with male friends. This is what happens when one
doesn’t come out of the closet confidently. He is wasting the life of that
woman who thinks that she has married the perfect life partner who will be only
hers for the next 7 births! Fool she is!
After that
incident years ago, I came to Mumbai to be away from the past. I then joined a
gym and swimming classes and karate classes. I decided to be macho like our
Akshay Kumar and be in the company of girls so that I stop thinking of males.
At first it was quite difficult to forget the past. The saadhu baba that my
mother took me to once, told me that after I start chanting the mantras given
by him, I would be away from ‘evil thoughts’. Till 3 days ago, I was trying so
damn hard to run away from reality. But now I am tired of running away from the
truth. I am tired of being fake for the world that I don’t even care much.
Yes. I am gay.
I can never forget my first experience.
I had joined a
horse riding training academy after my 3rd year MassCom. The trainer there was this 6 feet
tall and heavily built macho guy with a thick moustache. If anyone can be
considered a man, then it
is only him. He
is THE guy. Rest all are just boys in front of him. I used to love the way he
used to hold me during the horse riding lessons. He taught me exercises to be
fit and be like him. He kind of got a hint that I had started liking him. But I
thought that this attraction might just be infatuation of a wrong kind. I then
started praising his manly qualities and then became good friends with him and
one day I asked him whether my attraction towards him was just infatuation or
something serious which happens in the actual world. I didn’t want to be ‘that
one’ guy who starts a new trend. I was pretty naïve back then.
He told me to
wait after the horse riding classes were over and then we went to his room. He
took off his clothes. I was overawed to see his hairy chest and broad shoulders
and that thick moustache! I had gone weak in my knees and I was waiting to hold
him tight and feel his breath. He took off his pants and I was just stunned to
see his thing. Oh my dear lord! While playing cricket with friends, I had come
across phrases like “fuck you man” or “I will fuck your ass right now”. But I
was just about to witness a live example of that. All of a sudden he pounced on
me and tore my t-shirt and undid my pants and there I was lying almost naked in
front of this real man and waiting for him to control me.
At first I
resisted him taking off my underwear. Then seeing his strong arms control my
actions, I gave up and let him take the lead and do whatever I was destined to
go through. He licked me for 5 minutes. He turned me around and that was the
first time I was penetrated. I shrieked in pain. But there was a different
feeling in that pain. I
enjoyed it. I
felt as if I was waiting for this to happen to me since a long time. We both
made love for an hour or so. I was his bitch. His slave. He never let me be on
top. He said that he didn’t let anyone question his own manliness. And I didn’t
mind being his bitch. His slave. I loved that.
After the love
making session, I had felt a thousand emotions. Feeling of being penetrated
emotionally. Feeling of insecurity that how could a man control me sexually?
Feeling of being helpless. Feeling of satisfaction of going through what I had
been asking for since a long time. Since he had torn off my t-shirt, he offered
me another one. I asked him whose it was and he told me that he had a shelf
full of t-shirts. It was his idea of raw sex. Tearing apart t-shirts of his
bitches and then riding them like he used to ride his horses on the field. He
gave me a lotion when I was about to leave and told me that I would be ok in a
day or two and that I should go to him whenever I wanted or whenever he wanted
me to.
We had a good
time for around 6 months and one bad day a classmate of mine told the whole
group of friends that he saw me with the horse riding sir go into his room
continuously for 6 months and that everyone knew how that sir was. Before
someone else could tell my parents about this, I opened up to my parents and
how they reacted, that I have already told you.
So, yeah, this is my past. Writing this down has relieved me of all
the tension and guilt that I had since so many years and now that there is much
better awareness about homosexual issues in society, I think I
can live an
authentic life. The life I want to live. Not the way the society expects me to
live.
I will take good
care of my brother and send him back home. I alone can fight my battles with
destiny.
I like guys.
Yes.
I like guys.
Yes.
I like guys.
Does anyone have a problem with that? If yes, then GO TO HELL!
Saahil’s Diary
Abhishek
Agarwal sir replied to my mail and said that he is planning to visit an old age
home soon and if possible I could go and meet him there. Gladly I will go and
meet sir and get his guidance. I want the world to hear my story.
Next week I
have to meet 3 girls for arranged marriage. After the Sneha fiasco, I have kind
of lost faith in love marriage. People say “couples are made in heaven”.
Bullshit that is! If I don’t get to be with Sneha, then I will never ever be
happy with any other girl. Then how can that utopian statement be true for
everyone? I know that I shouldn’t be giving up so easily.
The girls that
I am going to meet are Jignasha, Bhavna and Hetal. All Gujju. The first one is
a B.Com, the second one is currently jobless and the third is a widow. I mean,
how would a bachelor like me be ready to marry a widow? I agree that I am over
28 now and that I don’t have much say in the Gujarati marriage market, but
still man! I hate my mom and dad for underestimating me so much!
For years I
have been a Shah Rukh Khan fan and the way he enchants beautiful lasses in his
movies is what makes me yearn for such a life. I too have a Simran who is out
there waiting for me. But for some reason she hasn’t understood the value of my
love for her. Try, try and you will succeed, said king Bruce in my school
textbook.
By the way,
last night I got a mail from Rahul, that diary guy. Just a normal Hi-bye kind
of a mail.
Anyway, it’s
been a long time that I have heard from Hitesh. His shop has been shut for so
many days in a row now. He sells these home surveillance security systems like
hidden cameras and stuff with which one can safeguard the house and keep a
continuous tab on what is going on in the house. I will have to check with his
mom to see if she has got any info on him. It is times like these that I need
his help and he is not reachable! Idiot fellow!
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