Chapter 86
My goodness! I
kind of had a hint that Rahul would do this! He fucking proposed to me! Yes!
Bloody hell! I, a perfectly straight guy, was proposed to by a dude! What is
wrong with these people? Why can’t they go and create their own country and
live there? Maybe go to some island and settle down there with all like-minded
people! It’s an insult to my manhood that a gay guy proposed to me! Fuck! Here
I am trying my best to impress this Marathi girl and then a North Indian guy
wants to marry me! What the heck is going on in my life?
I know that an educated person shouldn’t say this, but he is a homo
and he better not stay in touch with me or else he will make me gay too! This
is the letter he gave me:
Dear Saahil,
I hope you are
reading this letter when you are in a good mood. Let me cut to the chase.
Yes, I am gay.
I’m attracted towards men. I like men who are heavily built, macho types or
guys who are sweet, educated and have a very good sense of humour. You fall
into the second category.
I will say this
very frankly – the day we met for the first time at the author talk, I found
you to be an idiot smitten by a girl’s beauty. I thought that I had found in
you a good character for my book! But when you joined this old age home and the
way you gelled
with everyone in the old age home, I was very touched by it. You are like the
male version of bahu from the Indian TV serials. Yes, someone who helps the
old, loves to make them laugh and loves to serve everyone from the depth of
their heart. I loved that nature of yours. I also have a hint that you are gay
because of the way you laugh. Normally I can make out whether one is gay or
not, but in your case, I am a little confused. So, I thought, what the hell,
let me try and approach you and see if there is a future with you. In case you
are bisexual and I am keeping my fingers crossed, we could be a good pair. I am
a creative guy, you are a logical banker good at math. We both could stay
happily forever. If you want, we could move to another city or state of even
country where our love will be accepted without any opposition. I know that
your Jain parents will find it difficult to digest, but I am good at convincing
people! So don’t worry! All I need from you is a YES. Baaki tu muj pe chhod de!
Sneha has been
hitting on me since a long long time. I have written a letter to her explaining
that the story between me and her would never materialize and that she better
focus her energy one someone or something else in life.
Anyway, Saahil,
you take your own time to decide. I will wait for you. I don’t want to rush
into these things. We will take one step at a time. I have now become very
active on the Gay Rights front and that should help us get justice quickly. So,
pls keep in mind that sooner or later we will win freedom for our brethren and
then live a happy life. The journey is difficult, but the end will be worth it!
Love,
Rahul
Fuck man. I
just can’t believe that he thought that I was gay! Shit! I am as macho as one
can be! Like for example, a few years ago, I had this ugly fight with a guy in
the bus and I hit him like hell! If I were gay then I wouldn’t have fought with
him, right? Rahul’s letter is the most pathetic thing to have happened to me.
God no!
The person who
should accept me is rejecting me and homos like Rahul want to spend their life
with me! I don’t think life could get any worse than this!
From now on, no
more old age home! It will take me a long time to get out of this shock!
Chapter 87
I feel like
killing myself. Yes, if I don’t commit suicide then at least the shock and the
thought of my depressing life ahead of me is going to kill me!
My worst fear
came true! Rahul is gay. Don’t know what to say. I suddenly feel like I’m on a
different planet and I have no idea what to do next. He made me watch a video
that he had taped in a Gay Pride Parade that he had attended and then gave me a
letter.
Hi Sneha,
I am really
sorry to break your heart like this. I knew that you had feelings for me and
were dreaming of a happy life ahead. But sorry, I didn’t want to make you wait
before you could come to know the truth. So yes, I am gay. I can never have
romantic feelings for you. You can surely be my very good friend and we can
keep spreading smiles in the old age home.
There is not
much more I can offer as an explanation. All I can say is sorry. Sorry. If you
ever need me, I will be there for you. And yes, I have feelings for a guy and
that’s Saahil.
Take care,
Rahul
I still don’t
want to believe what I read is the truth. But, I think I will gather some
courage and try to stand by him. No matter what happens, I want to be there for
him. I can break societal barriers and be with a gay man all my life! Yes, I
will tell him that I am ready to move in with him and that he can be in a
live-in with any guy he wants to and then we all four – Kavitha Amma, I, Rahul
and his partner – can live happily. I don’t want to lose my dear Rahul because
I won’t be able to love anyone as much as I have loved Rahul. L Georgie, why is this happening to me? L
Today I will be emailing him this letter:
“Dear Rahul,
You have no
idea how shocked and shattered I am. But trust me when I say that I have more
respect for you than ever before. I cannot even imagine how difficult it would
have been for you to come out of the closet in this utterly biased country. I
never had any gay friend so I had no idea what it is to be gay and I never
thought that the first serious love of my life would turn out to be gay L I love you
more than myself, dear Rahul. I want every cell of my body to be yours. I so
damn want to be Mrs.Sneha Rahul Sharma. But alas that would never happen. I am
totally ok with the situation where you live-in with your partner and I too be
a part of your extended family. As told you earlier, I had even thought of
names of our kids-Rehaan for son and Aditi for our daughter. But don’t worry
Rahul, we can still adopt kids from an orphanage and then give them all the
love in the world. How lucky those kids will be to have 3 parents!
Rahul, please
don’t ever think of keeping me away as I will commit suicide if you choose to
be away from me. I assure you that I will be with you till my very last
breath and
support you in every damn situation in life. All I want is to let me be with
you forever. I will fight every odd with you and for you.
Tonight or
tomorrow I will share all this with my parents and I am sure they will be ok
with it. They are very open- minded.
Lots of luv,
Sneha.”
Rahul’s Diary
Needless to
say, Saahil is mad at me. Saahil said to my face that he doesn’t want to be
even friends with a ‘faggot’ like me. And I thought he was a nice, educated
guy! He said that I need to see a psychologist and get myself checked because
as I have been a part of an orgy, it means that I am not homosexual. It’s
futile explaining anything to him.
Sneha is
totally shattered. She is finding it difficult to digest the fact that I can
never have the same feelings for her as she has for me. She is finding it hard
to accept that I’m attracted towards men. She wrote me an email and in that she
mentioned that she still loves me and that she would be ok to break the
societal norms if I plan to be in a live-in with my partner. If she decides to
break societal norms and live with me forever then I am surely open to the idea
of adopting Kavitha Amma and then we can continue working here at Aangan Hamara
or could shift to Pune or some other place and start over.
I urged Saahil
to continue his social work at Aagan Hamara and not be upset by my love letter
to him. I guess, a conservative guy like him would surely get a heart attack if
something like this happened to him, but I didn’t expect him to call me names.
“Worthless piece of faggot”
– this is not at
all expected from Saahil. But I guess this is how the world is. Education is
just a matter of degree to show off. The meaning of real education is lost
somewhere.
Today at around
2.00 in the afternoon, those narrow minded fuckheads forcibly entered our old
age home and tried to destroy the property. They left a piece of cloth on which
was written: “Throw the American chakka called Rahul out of this old age home
or else you will have to bear its consequences. Hindu culture bachao, American
chakkon ko bhagao!”
There has been
a silence since afternoon and no one has spoken to me since then. Only Kavitha
Amma came up to me and said that it was ok to love a person of the same gender
and that I should ignore those idiots. She was sad about Sneha’s heartbreak.
She, like everyone else, thought that Sneha and I were girlfriend and
boyfriend!
We registered
an FIR at the nearest police station. The police came in the evening to check
whether what we wrote was true or not. The inspector nodded at a few places where
the damage was done and then said that he would do the needful. I doubt whether
he will take appropriate action as those Hindu and Muslim fundamentalists also
have support from Milind Bhaurao Kamble – that local politician who I had words
with at the NVTV show.
I guess I need to buckle up and be ready for something huge.
Pretty tired now. Gn.
Today I did
something that I had never thought I would ever try. Today in the morning at around
11 I went to meet Sneha at her residence. It was a surprise, of course. I
wanted to clear all the doubts that she must have had because of the shit that
Rahul must have said to her. For me this was like a do or die situation and
hence I wanted to make it as filmy as possible. I got 13 T-shirts printed with
one letter on each of them – I L O V E Y O U S N E H A.
I reached
Dombivli station at around 9.00 AM to search for urchins whom I could pay some
money to wear those T-shirts when I meet Sneha at her home. By 9.30 I had
finalised 13 kids who would wear those T-shirts and then I offered them breakfast
and then took the kids along with their parents in rickshaws to Sneha’s
residence. Sneha stays like 20 minutes from the station. We reached there by
10.30 and then I had all the 13 kids lined up properly and I stood behind the
kid with the letter O. I then asked the security guard to go and inform Sneha
to look down from her window and see how much I care for her. In a few minutes
I could see Sneha and her parents looking from the window. Also there were many
kids in the complex who saw all this and they informed their parents that
something weird was going on. So even they started peeping from their windows
to see who this love-smitten guy was and what he was doing!
I am sure it
must have looked very awesome to see cute little urchins wearing T-shirts
expressing my love for Sneha. I kept looking at her. I was waiting for her to
say something. She looked at her parents. Her mother smiled and then Sneha
waved at me and asked me to come upstairs. Happily I paid the little urchins
and their parents their amount and rickshaw fare to station again and happily
ran to meet my dear Sneha.
She was looking
awesomely cute and beautiful in a white T-shirt and pink pyjamas. As soon as
she opened the door I kneeled down like a Romeo and confessed my true love for
her again. She had tears in her eyes and she asked me to come in. I greeted
uncle and aunty. We talked for a while Sneha went in her room to get her clothes
changed. I didn’t know what to talk to uncle and aunty and hence after a few
awkward moments of silence, I asked them if I could go and meet Sneha in her
room. I went in and saw her crying. I tried to explain her that whatever I did
was to bring a smile on her face and not to make her feel ashamed or
uncomfortable. I explained to her that I was as straight as one can be and that
I would love her till my last breath. She kept looking at me with her teary
eyes. She held my face in her hands and said that she was sorry for not
appreciating my true love for her and that she loved Rahul much more than I
could ever imagine. Then I told her that Rahul was gay and so for her there was
no future with him. She knew the bitter truth but still she said that she would
like to be loyal to the first true love of her life. Holding my face in her
hand, she said, ‘Love is blind, Saahil. Love is impartial, Saahil. It doesn’t
care about colour, creed, caste, rich, poor, religion, gender or orientation.
When I started
loving Rahul I didn’t care about how poor or rich he was or to which religion
he belonged to or whether he was straight or gay. Of course I had never thought
that the first true love of my life would turn out to be gay. But still,
Saahil, I loved him and I still love him to the core. Every cell of my body
belongs to Rahul. I have already suggested Rahul that his partner, him and I
and maybe Kavita Amma would stay happily under one roof. So Saahil, please
forgive me that I didn’t ever reciprocate your real love for me. If I had been
in your place, I would never give so much footage to any person. But you are
different Saahil. You are a really really really nice guy and any girl who
marries you will be the luckiest girl on this planet. It’s just that I can’t be
that lucky girl. Please don’t make this harder for me than it already has been.
I would request you to stop having feelings for me, Saahil’.
After the last
sentence she pinched my right cheek. I wanted the time to stand still. I wanted
Sneha to never stop talking. I kept staring in her eyes and then all of a
sudden I took her face in my hands and kissed her real hard. Yes Diaz! I don’t
know what overcame me but I kissed Sneha for the first and the last time I
guess. Surprisingly even she didn’t resist me. It was a heavenly feeling, Diaz!
I had been waiting for it since ages and there I was living the moment of my
life! I guess even she knew that it was the first and last kiss she would ever
give me. I then assured her that I would be there whenever she needs me. I then
came to the living room and talked to uncle aunty for a while about the story
of mine published in the anthology. They seemed to have liked my story. But
even they knew that my story with Sneha ended there.
At around 11.30
I left the Kulkarni residence and while coming back home in the train I kept
crying the whole time. Men around me in the train compartment kept looking at
me as if I were some weirdo.
The whole day I
did nothing except travel in the same seat in the same train and just kept
looking at the world passing by and kept wondering what the great grandmother
of a fuck went wrong in life… then finally at around 8.30 I got down at
Kanjurmarg station and had a beer and a vodka with chicken and prawns at a
nearby bar and restaurant. I felt good breaking the rules that the society had
set for me. Nonveg mat khaao, beer mat piyo, ye mat karo wo
mat karo! Bhenchod!
Fuck this good-boy shit! I don’t want to be a good boy anymore. I don’t want to
be the good Saahil anymore. I want to change myself. I reached home stinking of
booze and my sweet cute mom looked at me in disbelief. And I was so unrepentant
that I didn’t even say sorry. I just closed my door and took out a pack of Gold
Flake Lights and started smoking the shit out of the packet. I have never
smoked at home in my life. Never! But today I didn’t give no shit. I am drunk
right now and I just don’t feel like being sorry to anyone in the world. I just
want to stop being people calling me ‘sweet nice guy’. I want people to spread
a bad word about me and say ‘look at that handsome hunk asshole who cheats
women and breaks their heart and then dumps them and moves on nonchalantly to
next one. But he is a macho to die for…’.
Life has been totally unfair to me, Diaz!
Bloody fuck Diaz, simply simply bloody fucking damn fuck.
Good night my sweetu my beauty my hotty my love my life my Diaz!
Dear Georgie,
There are a
million things going on in my head and I don’t know from where to start. I will
just sum it up in a few words for you as I need to sleep early tonight.
Tomorrow there is a small meeting in Aangan Hamara to deal with what happened 2
days back. The bastard suck-ups of a local politician in Sion and a few
religious bigots attacked Aangan Hamara on 20th and warned everyone that the old age home needs
to get rid of Rahul because he is gay. Now you only tell me Georgie what is
Rahul’s fault that he likes men? Nothing na! But those assholes have threatened
Rahul that they will do the needful if the old age home doesn’t get rid of him.
I guess I will have to be a part of a long drawn struggle now that I have
decided to be by Rahul’s side forever.
That poor sweet
little Saahil did the most romantic thing a lover can do. He showed up at my
house unannounced with 13 little kids wearing T-shirt with the letter I L O V E
Y O U S N E H A. I was shocked to the core when Bansilal, our watchman, told us
that some fat guy with a few poor kids is waiting downstairs for me. And when
Aai, Baba and I peeped through our window, we were smiling ear to ear. The
whole proposal from Saahil was utterly butterly sweet. But alas! It was Saahil
who was proposing and not my Rahul. The Saahil came up and had a tea with my
parents and I told him that his gesture was very sweet and all, but he shouldn’t
expect more from me. One
very unusual
thing that happened was that we kissed! Yes Georgie! Saahil and I kissed. I was
crying out guilt and wondering what was going wrong in life and then suddenly
he kissed me and then even I didn’t hold back. I kissed him back! I don’t want
to admit but it was a good kiss. It had 80 % compassion, 5 % lust, 5 % love and
the rest 10 % caring.
So yeah my dear diary, this is what I wanted to say in sum.
Lotsa exciting days ahead!
Gunnieeee!
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